Here Without You
by McPants
Summary: Derek Shepherd has returned from New York, again. He picked Addison again, and now he's paying. It's been a mere two months since he left, yet it seems everyone, everything, has changed. [ genres changed to fit story so far... ]
1. Chapter 1

Saturday night. Joe's. The almost sickening smell of alcohol in the air seemed to remind me more of her. Is that tequila? She was that girl, and I'm still that guy. As an intern once told me—and a smart one at that—ham or eggs?

I'm the ham, now. But I wasn't cooked soon enough.

_Damn. There they are. There she is._

I was supposed to be a teacher to them; to her. All I taught her was how to hurt. I'm paying the price. I'll never forgive myself.

Addison is everything a man should want; everything a man would want. She's beautiful, funny, smart. Her foreplay is amazing, the sex even better. Like I said, everything. Why the hell don't I want Addison?

It's not like I didn't try. I did. I moved to Seattle to escape her. Yet she came. We're Addison and Derek. The perfect, happy couple. We're married. And we went back to New York.

I keep replaying that scene in my head. She's there, at my doorstep (if trailers can even have doorsteps). The rain pours down. Her red hair, so beautiful and yet so… I don't even know, stuck flat to her head, dripping. Eyes red and puffy, she didn't say a word. Just walked into my arms and embraced me.

I was struggling with a choice. Meredith, or Addison. Since that first day in the bar, Mer was that girl. The one I talked about earlier. I chased after her. I was married and I chased after her. We were together. Meredith and Derek. And then Addie shows up one day. Satan.

And then I caved. I picked Addison. She embraced me in the rain, pain written all over her drenched face. I picked her. That was that.

Here I am, in Joe's. Seattle, once again. It's more home than our gorgeous New York brownstone. Yet I'm back in Seattle with a dinky little trailer. Where it rains more than anything else. Why? I haven't the foggiest idea. Except for her. She's the reason—my everything. All I need.

Oh shit. Joe's looking at me. Looking at me like, _what the fuck are you doing?_

I look unhappily at my tequila (her favourite), and wander over to the bar. I can't watch from afar any longer.

George sees me first. His eyes kind of bug out in the way they do, and he stares me down (guess he took a lesson from Callie), and says quite simply, "Go." George is so sensitive, and yet here he is, near-yelling to defend the girl who broke him.

I see Meredith's eyes go from shocked to pained. She looks down.

I look down, too. I'm wearing that red shirt. The one she seduced me in. No, that's wrong. The one I fell for her in. This wasn't planned. My confidence falls, watching her look down at the table.

I look, too, at her drink. It's not tequila, as far as I can tell. It's water. Since when did Meredith Grey drink water? What happened to her best friend Jose?

I try to pick up the pieces of my shattered confidence and utter, "Hey."

Christina nudges her, and they both stand up, and leave. Just like that.

Strike one for Derek Shepherd.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N** : Wow! Thanks for the reviews! Since this is my first story that I've put on it's great to see it's liked: (what a confidence booster, unlike Derek!) So yeah. Keep 'em coming! Anyways, here's another chapter to enjoy and indulge upon… mhmm, this is making me want chocolate.

Happy Passover to everyone who celebrates !

**Disclaimer **: I don't own any of the characters featured in this story (they're ABCs). If I did, god knows, we'd have all the Merder & Addex screentime available (aka the whole show) :

XXX

I love ferry boats. I love their shape, their size. I love the way the wind whips through my hair. But mostly, I love the peace. It's the only time I get that calm, serene feeling, like there's nothing else in the world. I'm a neurosurgeon, what did I expect? Hectic work hours, intense surgeries where a person's LIFE is in my hands, the death thing. Then, there's my family. I won't even begin to cover them.

Like I said, ferry boats are my oasis.

And yet, standing here with the wind catching grip of my locks, I'm the farthest thing from peace. I'm a mess. All I can think about is her.

_Meredith, Meredith, Meredith._

I love everything about this woman. My love for her… god, it even beats the ferry boats. That's saying something. Everything about her, the way her wispy bangs hang over her forehead. That smile that I don't see very often, but when I do, it just lights up the world, my world. The way my name rolls of her tongue. I even love her when she's dark and twisty, because that's who she is, and she's my Meredith.

Damn, I'm pathetic. Here I am, the top neurosurgeon in the country, and I'm just standing here on a ferry boat, my PEACEFUL spot, thinking about her.

Does she love me anymore? Maybe I don't want the answer.

I'm trying to think of the last time we had sex. It was like our last kiss. Good, but not good enough, as if we thought we'd be doing it the rest of our lives. I guess things just didn't work out that way. God, I wish they had.

_Meredith, Meredith, Meredith._

The condom was one of those glow-in-the-dark ones, I think. We even bypassed the foreplay to get right to the good stuff. Stupid Derek. Stupid. I miss the way she manipulated her mouth around my stubble, kissing in places that would make my mother faint.

If I could just get her back. I want her, no, I need her. She's the one who can make it all better. The one who can drag me, Derek Shepherd, across the country, to Seattle.

I love her in that really big way she talked about. I'll give her the last slice of the cheesecake. Damn, I'd give her the whole cheesecake if it would make her happy. Oh, and I'll be whatever she needs whenever. Music, clothes, whatever. I'd stand outside her window in the pouring Seattle rain, electrocuting myself with her dinky little boom box radio.

All for her.

And now, my ferry has reached its destination. No more peace.

Just my hectic life again.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N : **Wow, chapter 3. In the least conceited way possible, I'm in love with how this story is shaping up. I've still got a few little tricks up my sleeve, but they won't come till later. Some people have started to wonder, but y'know. Me? Giving hints? Never !

Reviews are still loved & much appreciated. Thanks, guys!

**Disclaimer **: I don't own any of the characters featured in this story (they're ABCs). If I did, god knows, Denny would still be alive ! D: (damn, I loved that man)

XXX

It just occurred to me that I'm jobless.

That struck me when I was getting off the ferry. I just got this feeling like something was weird. And then I realized I was jobless. So now, I'm a man with a dilemma… do I go to SGH and run the risk of Meredith thinking I'm stalking her? Or do I go to Mercy West or Seattle Presbyterian, and not get to see the woman I love?

Such a hard call. But I can't stay away from her for that long. I just can't. She gets me in that way, that makes my insides liquefy. My heart is screaming for more… Meredith.

I need Richard. I need Richard to understand that a man has his reasons for running off with almost no notice, and breaking his contract. I need him to get that the Grey family really gets to men, even him!, and that I'm back for good. I'd commit my life to her if given the chance.

He shouldn't be hard to find. I think he was going to give me chief, because as soon as I ran off, he decided not to retire. I know he won't trust me with chief now, and with my current situation, that's for the best. Still. Meredith was the first to tell me I'd be a great chief. She stood by me, and I hurt her. It makes me sick.

XXX

"Hello, Derek." Dr. Webber's eyes seemed cold as they penetrated through my already fragile confidence. "What is it that you need?"

I'm a fool. I sat like a fool, probably gaping, and wondering how to explain myself. Even blurting, "I need a job," would have been better than just sitting there. But no, I, Derek Shepherd, the number one neurosurgeon in the country, just sat there. Like an idiot. A dumbass.

The gaze continued. "So, you don't want chief. When I'm FINALLY ready to retire, you leave. I picked you. I could have picked Burke, or Addison, Marlow, or even Sloan. But no. NOW you come. I was ready to retire, Derek! I was ready to get my life back! My wife left me over this hospital. I need to move on. But you. You're acting like a child."

I didn't know what to say. So I went back to my original plan. "Chief… Richard. I need your help. I'm a man in trouble, and I know you've been in my shoes. Love is… unpredictable. Unplanned. I'm back to stay, because I would give my life for this woman."

Now, I had tears in my eyes.

"It's Meredith?"

"Yes…"

"Figures. The Grey's have a long history of pulling in even the strongest men in. I'm not forgiving you or taking back what I said. But I'll give you a job. Your talent is greatly needed in this hospital."

"Thank you."

And that was that. As I wandered out of the Chief's office, now sporting my white lab coat, it seemed that I was home. The hospital I love, with Seattle's finest doctors, whom I respect and admire. Normally, a man resuming head of Neurosurgery in a prestigious hospital would be ecstatic.

Not me.

All I can think about is how much I miss her, how much I need her.

I have everything a man should want except the woman of her dreams. If I had nothing except Meredith, I would still have the world.

But without her, I have nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N **: Wow, I'm just blown away by the page views and reviews. You guys are amazing. In response to the request for longer updates… I will do so. So yeah.

Anyway, I'm gone for the next few days, so no updates. Sorry ! Hopefully the extended chapter will keep you at least partially satisfied.

My ideas for this story continue to deepen, too. Gosh, so many rabbits to pull out of so many hats.

XXX

"DR. DEREK SHEPHERD. I NEED A MOMENT !" I couldn't help but laugh at the way such a short and stout woman could produce such a sound. Obviously, Miranda Bailey was the only woman in this hospital not affected by my looks, height, hair, and the way I "like to lean against things".

It's no wonder they call her the Nazi. (I think someone told me a while ago that was politically incorrect, but I don't really care. She's the Nazi to me, whether anyone likes it or not!) But hey, I can't complain. She's the one who's been there to kick me into shape with some tough love, telling me that I'm crazy if I don't operate to the best of my abilities. She may not be my Meredith, but that's okay. At least I know the people of Seattle don't despise me.

I approached her, chuckling to myself about her scrubs. They did kinda make her look like one of those marshmallow peeps people eat on Easter.

"Dr. Bailey?"

"Shepherd. You know what this is about, I'm sure. You're an ATTENDING, she's an INTERN. I told you, warned you, not to mess with her. You messed. You did MORE than mess. She's a walking surgical… HORROR. She can't operate, and I can't trust her with a scalpel. Do you know—"

I was stunned. Wasn't expecting that. Whatever happened to "Hey! You're back! The city of Seattle missed you!"? Nope. I guess I'm not getting any of that.

My mind, just slightly diverted from Meredith, suddenly homed in again on just one topic. Mer. Damn, everything about this woman is perfect. I can't take my mind off of her, and just when I thought I might have a day to enjoy being back as a surgeon at SGH… she comes up again. Like I would have been able to go a whole day without her, anyways.

Everyone's always talking about the anti-drugs. Some musical instrument, sports, whatever. Not me. No. My anti-drug is Meredith. The feel of her skin on my rough hands, her lavender smelling hair.

It's like I'm addicted. She's not an anti-drug, she is a drug. When I was in New York, I was having withdraw symptoms. Apparently Addison noticed, because I, Derek Shepherd, became boring in the field of sex. Addie told me so herself. Me?! No. Women love me. I'm good, really good. But Meredith, now that's—

"SHEP. What, are you day dreaming about her, or is there just nothing for you to say?"

"I… Dr. Bailey. I'm a teacher to you. Don't you push the boundaries. I have more surgical experience than you, and believe me. I'm connected."

"You don't scare me." I could have called Bailey's response word for word. So typical. Yet so right. It's rare that any resident called me on my stunts.

"You're right. I'm ruining her life, her career. Everything. I'm… sorry. I—"

"Sorry doesn't cut it. No, _sir_. You don't get to mess with MY interns. Not again. I've already had so much from my colleagues. I'm not 'capable' of doing my job. You don't get to hurt her again. No looking. No talking to. No THINKING ABOUT. Move on."

I stood stunned while I watched the Nazi waddle away. Wow. How's that for a little bit of a reality check?

I don't believe it, though. She's become a zombie. And I thought what she did to George was bad. Oh, no. I've broken her to the most primitive level. She's just the perfect woman, and I'm just the man who broke her. Typical love tragedy.

Except in those tragedies, someone usually commits suicide around this point. Note to self: avoid knifes, guns, and other sharp things. This could be a problem for a person who's career involves using sharp things to cut people open.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

Pagers suck. I had forgotten how much they suck.

But suddenly this pager became the worst I'd ever seen.

The world is spinning. I can't breathe. Am I falling? Am I on the ground? Pain… pain… my leg…

The blood is everywhere. I'm just slightly aware that people all around me have stopped, and they are shouting orders.

"Dr. Shepherd? Dr. Shepherd? Can you hear me?"

I think I see Burke. Or somebody. And someone just said Torrez. Like, page Dr. Torrez or something… but it doesn't matter. None of it matters now.

I think Dr. Torrez specializes in orthopedics. I look down and see my leg. The pain… the broken bone is protruding out of my blood-soaked skin. I don't care. It doesn't matter. Broken bones will heal. I have no knowledge about the situation with my page.

I'm almost oblivious to the pain that's surging through my bodies, except that I can't breathe. Every so often, a gasp will come, but nothing more. I'm choking on my word.

"Meh… Mehr… I ne…"

More nurses crowd around me. Who are they? Did I hear McDreamy? Who still calls me McDreamy? Is Meredith here? Oh, no… Meredith… Oh shit.

The sides of my vision begin to blacken and the world fades. My lids are drooping, but I need to know for certain that what I saw was correct. It can't possibly be. No, I don't believe my eyes.

I'm dreaming, and soon I'll wake up next to Addison in New York. None of this happened. We're still happily married. We're still Addison and Derek. No… I don't… love her… I love Mer… I need Mer…

_Blink. _I need… _Blink. _Is my vision failing me? _Blink. _No… no, no, no.

"911 – Meredith Grey"

XXX

**N/B **: Sorry to leave you with such a cliffhanger. Don't worry, this all does indeed go somewhere ! Hang in there, it's gonna get good…


	5. Chapter 5

Blip. Blip. Blip.

"_Meredith! I need to talk to you… about us. I was—"_

"_No, Derek. Don't talk. I understand perfectly. I've been doing some thinking, myself." _

_I fill with excitement and nerves, all at once. "Oh… and is this thinking going to make me happy or sad?"_

_Before I know it, her hands are around my waist, and she's whispering into my ear, tentatively brushing her tongue over its creases. "Shut up, and kiss me."_

_  
And then I'm kissing her. _

_It's so good, the feeling of her lips manipulating their way around my face, and brushing up against my stubble. Oh… oh… I need sex. _

_I grab hold of her, rushing us (still engrossed in our love) into her bed. I vaguely hear Izzie and George gasping outside as they discussed the latest McDreamy drama. I don't care, though. She's my girl, and I have her back. I love her, and I never want to lose her again._

Blip. Blip. Blip.

"I LOVE—"

AH! My leg…

As I open my eyes to figure out what caused the sharp discomfort in my leg, I wish I hadn't. Standing above me was Yang, of all people, tears in her eyes, looking at a monitor. Since when was she checking my monitors?

The light… it's bright… and suddenly it dawns on me.

"Oh… my go—"

"Don't talk, Dr. Shepherd. You've just had rather intense surgery on your broken leg and you're still a little groggy from the anesthetics."

_What's going on with Yang? She's… crying?_

So tired… drooping eyelids…

And then the world went black.

XXX

**A/N**: Okay, so that was definitely a (short) filler chapter, but I needed to give a bit of information about the leg thing and get back into the feel of this story! Sorry to be on hiatus so long, guys… 4th quarter in school's about half way through and I've been drowning in tests!!

I'll try to update more… maybe some reviews would convince me:D


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